May I Have the Envelope, Please? 2008

It’s the most wonderful tiimmmmeee of the yeeeaarrrr…The 3rd Annual Marty Awards!

Unlike those other awards broadcasts, our show was never in any danger of being canceled thanks to some ingrate writers! Writers, pah! You think we pay our writers?!? AND we bring you all the awards that matter a week before our competition!

As always our show comes to you from the beautiful Raymond Chandler Pavilion. The carpet is being unfurled, the excitement is building! Who will win? Who will get snubbed? Who will show up so coked to the gills that they puke all over their Balenciaga gown in the ladies room?? Will any of the celebrity ladies NOT be pregnant?? There’s only one way to find out….

Our host this year is the much-awarded Mr. Jeremy Irons…we still think he’s hot, plus his voice will lend an air of legitimacy to the proceedings, don’t you agree? Let’s get on with it, Jeremy!

The ‘Get a Friggin Editor Award’ for Unnecessary Length of a Motion Picture goes to:
the makers of Pirates of the Caribbean 3! This series is the all-time champ in this category.

Best Supporting Actor:
OMG, this one was HARD! But I’m going with…Robert Downey Jr. in Zodiac

The ‘Hey, He Can Act Better Than I Thought He Could’ Award goes to:
Ben Foster in 3:10 to Yuma.

Best Supporting Actress:
Helena Bonham Carter in Sweeney Todd.

Least Subtextual Subtext:
The 300.

Best Homoerotic Subtext:
Charlie Prince’s mancrush on Ben Wade in 3:10 to Yuma.

Biggest Budget for Gay Porn, Ever:
The 300.

The Bunny Breckinridge Memorial Award for Most Campy Fun Performance in a Motion Picture goes to:
Robert DeNiro (no, seriously) in Stardust.

The ‘Basil Rathbone Honorary Award for Sexiest-Ass Villain’ goes to:
Michelle Pfeiffer in Stardust.

Best Comeback Performance:
Alan Rickman in Sweeney Todd, because it was so good to see him de-Snaped.

Best Newcomer:
Josh Brolin.

The ‘You Are So Overrated and Can Your Career Please Stop Now?’ Award goes to:
Frank Miller. STOP adapting this man’s CRAP comics into CRAP movies!

The Fanboy Achievement Award goes to:
The 300.

Best Adapted Screenplay:
No Country for Old Men.

Worst Adapted Screenplay:
Beowulf. Professor Tolkien wept!

Worst Original Screenplay:
Shoot ‘Em Up.

Best Soundtrack:
Zodiac.

Best Original Score:
3:10 to Yuma.

Gravest Misuse of Computer Generated Effects:
Beowulf.

The Award for Least Sexy Thing in a Motion Picture
goes to:
I have to say it…Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci’s sex scene in Shoot ‘Em Up.

The ‘Sexiest Damn Thing I’ve Seen in a Movie All Year’ Award goes to:
BEN.
*expletive*
WADE.
Russell Crowe, 3:10 to Yuma.

The ‘We Know You’re Hot, But You’re Still the’ Worst Actor Award:
Monica Bellucci, Shoot ‘Em Up.

Biggest Waste of Talent & Looks:
David Wenham in The 300. Fire your agent, honey.

Most Accurate Period Piece:
Zodiac. Astounding.

Most Annoying Medieval Movie:
The Last Legion. Merlin wept!

Worst Casting in a Motion Picture:
Beowulf. Making it a cartoon wasn’t insulting enough; it was a cartoon starring Angelina Jolie.

Best Cinematography:
There Will Be Blood.

Best Art Direction:
Sweeney Todd.

The “Because I Bloody Well Feel Like It” Award for Consistent Greatness in Motion Pictures goes to:
Tommy Lee Jones! ‘No Country for Old Men’, ‘Valley of Elah‘, a great year in a great career. TLJ, you da man!

Best Acting Tag-Team:
Denzel and Russell in American Gangster!

Worst Actor:
Gerrard “Aye laddie, can ye nae tell tha’ we’re bloody Grrreeks?” Butler in The 300.

Best Actor:
Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. It’s not a bandwagon if it’s deserved!

Worst Actress:
Elisha Cuthbert, Captivity.

Best Actress:
There wasn’t one this year; there just wasn’t one. ‘Least not in any movies that -I- saw. Try again next year, ladies.

Best Movie of 2007:
No Country for Old Men.

Worst Movie of 2007:
Shoot ‘Em Up.

Best Director:
Coen Brothers, No Country for Old Men!

The ‘Society Is Made Worse By The Existence of this Movie’ Award:
Captivity.

Favorite Movie of 2007:
3:10 to Yuma
. Yes they DO make ‘em like that anymore!

One Response to “May I Have the Envelope, Please? 2008”

  1. Loup Says:

    I am so glad TLJ go a nod. = )

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