Ok, I’ve lived in my new house for one year; time to bitch about a neighbor.

My next-door neighbors are Russo-phobes. No, not people who are afraid of Russians, but rather Russians who are afraid of everything. They have many, many annoying traits that I could comment on, but today I will just kvetch about their phobic neuroses (that seem to be contagious because the whole family has ‘em.)

1. Russian Guy sells some type of very expensive water-purification system for a living. I don’t know if his job has made him paranoid or if he was drawn to his line of work as a result of his paranoia…it’s a chicken/egg situation. Regardless, over the course of the past 6 months, he has annoyed everyone on our street by telling them about all the terrible, hideous, foul things that lurk in our tap water. He will even go so far as to offer to come into your house and do some tests that will prove just how disgusting your water is, and that you need to purchase his $1500.00 system or else you will sicken and die!

We eventually had to cave in and let him give us (or rather BW, I stayed the hell away) the sales pitch because he would just Not Shut Up about it. Then we were able to tell him no, we don’t want it, can’t afford it, have been drinking PGH tap water for 17 years so are probably doomed anyway, and frankly, we LIKE the taste of lots of iron and minerals in our water. Gawd!!

2. He freaked out about the possibility that the city water pipes feeding into his house could be made of lead. City of PGH said, “No they aren’t.” Russian Guy said, “Yes they are!” and dug up his front yard to locate the pipe just so he could PROVE it to the city. They did come out and look at it, but I don’t know what came of that other than that now his front yard looks like a World War I trench. I think he’s going to replace all the pipe with PVC.

*eyeroll* Um…dude….you just told the whole bloody neighborhood about your wonderful, life-saving water-purification system that you have in your home. If it’s so bloody great, then WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE IF THE PIPES ARE MADE OF LEAD?!? Won’t your system remove all the lead contamination? If not, then WHY DOES IT COST SO MUCH??

Whatever. Just fill in the hole in your yard and plant some freakin’ grass on it, already! This ain’t the Somme.

3. We did some outdoor painting over the weekend. Before we started, we scraped off the loose old paint from our front porch. He comes outside, freaking out, because there is a little pile of paint chips in the narrow pathway between their house and our house. Because it could be LEAD PAINT!! Again with the lead, Oh the Humanity!!!!

Turns out his wife is the culprit, and perhaps the sinister force behind all of his weird behavior. He said she was worried about the lead paint because she’s pregnant (GAH!), you know, and well, that just excuses everything, now doesn’t it? We reminded him that lead paint chips pose no danger to anyone unless you EAT them. Does Russian Wife plan to come out here and eat the paint chips?? No? Then STFU. But he kept whining about how it was his wife, and she was worried, and she’s pregnant…..*eye roll* Pussy-whipped bastard. BW said he’d clean up the chips, but obviously BW can’t be trusted to do a good job because Russian Guy pitched in and helped BW and made sure there wasn’t one itty piece of paint left on the ground where his wife or kids could slip, fall, and accidentally get a piece in their mouths and swallow it. Or whatever delusions he was entertaining.

Freaks. So now I wonder, are they both hypochondriacs, or is it the just the wife? I think they both are. Is this the answer to why they haven’t put any stain or sealant on their ugly front porch and back deck? Because they’d rather have them look like crap and rot away in two years rather than touch *gasp* paint??

And most of all, these people are Russian immigrants! As in, they grew up in Russia. Russia is one of THE most polluted places in the world! Apart from Chernobyl, waste dumping is rampant, hell I think they probably still use DDT in Russia. And they’re worried about a little lead paint?? I got news for them, they have probably already absorbed enough chemicals in their first 15 years growing up in Russia to kill a cow. Freakin’ freaks.

4 Responses to “Russo-Phobes”

  1. kta Says:

    lol – you seem to really find great neighbors. They sound very…um – interesting! I had this neighbor (thank god he moved!) that mowed his lawn every other day and because we didn’t do the same, we were evil. He even yelled at us one day about it! lol Aren’t people freakin great!?

  2. LOUP Says:

    That is the one thing I will miss here … our neighbors are pretty cool. If nothing else they are quiet and leave us alone. It may of course have something to do with the fact that the former owner of the house told everyone we were evil devil worshiping nazis. I don’t mind being thought of as the evil lady of the neighborhood. Whatever works. = )

  3. Gutterboy Says:

    “No worries, Vladimir – it’s ORGANIC lead paint.”

  4. whistler Says:

    i wonder if Crack Monkey ever ate lead paint?

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