Suck it up, Jessica Biel

Every so often (well, more often than I care to think about) in Hollywood an actress comes along who is known less for her movie parts and more for her body parts. This year it’s Jessica Biel and her “shelf ass” (phrase trademarked by LaineyGossip.) In the mid-1940′s to 50′s, it was Jane Russell and her chest. But there’s a difference…

Jane Russell rose above being just a pair of tits. Those assets were what got her into the movie business, sure, but once there she showed how much more she was. She became a Goddess! She was all-over gorgeous, had talent, charm, class, and on-screen charisma! She stood out from the crowd, people remember her even today. In short, I worship Jane Russell.

Can you say the same about Biel? Girl is nothing but her ass. Same can be said of the whole current crop of “hot” movie girls. Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, ad nauseum. Who the fuck ARE these chicks?! I can’t even tell them apart most days, can you? If I can’t remember their names or faces now, do you think anyone else will be able to even in 5 years’ time? As if. None of them will come close to attaining Jane’s Goddesshood.
So the moral that Jane Russell’s birthday teaches us is this: Nice bodies are well and good, but unless you bring the total package of true beauty, uniqueness, and talent you will be a forgotten piece of ass and no more.

Do yourself a favor. Skip whatever Albabielgarnerwhoever movie is playing in the multiplex at the moment and rent His Kind of Woman, starring Jane Russell and Robert Mitchum. School yourself in what fun, sexy movie escapism is really all about.

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