Musical Crimes Against Humanity

Whistler’s post from the other day about the sort of music that he’s into brought to mind a rant that has been brewing in my mind for a long time. (Heh, sorry Whistler!) Usually whenever I try to approach this topic I get so incoherent with rage that I can’t type, but I’m gonna try.

My topic is this: The profusion, nay, plague…nay virulent musical CARCINOMA.. of wussy indie/Emo acoustic bands with chick singers covering all the techno-pop masterpieces of the 80′s.


Before I kill someone. I hear these abominations everywhere I go. Grocery store, Target, misc. clothing stores, restaurants, and of course, Starbucks. No matter where or when, they make me want to drop to my knees, writhing around and clutching the sides of my head like James T. Kirk in any given Star Trek episode. “Spock….must!…destroy….Emo hacks!”

Up till now I have been ignorant of just who the offenders are because really, they all sound alike. But before writing this post, I did a little research. The worst of the crop is a band called Nouvelle Vague. They’re the worst because they didn’t kill just one beloved 80′s hit. No. They did a whole ALBUM of it! It was their sickening cover of “I Melt With You” that finally pushed me far enough over the edge to make me write this rant. I’d go hunt this band down and kill them, but apparently they live in France. Figures.

Other people who insist upon pissing all over the sanctity of 1980′s pop: Some bint named Cary August who massacred “Bizarre Love Triangle.” One Katie Melua, whose version of “Just Like Heaven” will make you throw yourself off a highway overpass. Then there’s poor benighted “Love Will Tear Us Apart”, by Joy Division. Why does every no-talent chumpette with a guitar and a stool pick on this poor song?? What did it ever do to you people??? It has by far the most number of vile cover versions by the aformentioned Nouvelle Vague, a band called Honeyroot, and another by ‘Susanna and the Magical Orchestra,’ just to name the worst. Just typing out those band names made me puke a little.

Is there no end to this madness? What’s next, Lisa Loeb covers “Cars”?? If anyone knows of any terrible emo covers of Erasure or Yaz songs, please don’t tell me about them. There’s only so much I can take.

Someone help me to understand this trend. It seems like everyone in these bands is around my age, maybe younger. So most of them probably grew up loving these songs. WHY then, do they wish to desecrate them? What’s the thought process here?

Band dweeb 1: Hey, remember that song from the 80′s “Just Can’t Get Enough” ?
Band dweeb 2: Oh yeah! That was a great song, I really liked it.
Band dweeb 1: Me too, I loved it.
Band dweeb 2: I know! Let’s RUIN it!!
Band dweeb 1: Perfect! We’ll take out the beat, replace all the synth with acoustic guitar, and get a chick to whine the vocals! How better to show what big fans we are?

Huh? Is that how it happens? It’s the only thing I can figure. Can’t you freaks just write your own songs and stay in your little coffeehouses where nobody else has to hear them?!? Have you no shame? If you don’t own a synthesizer stay the HELL away from my 80′s music, cretins!

And if I want to hear damn acoustic instrumentation, I want it to sound like this.

Or this

Dammit. Consider yourself schooled.

4 Responses to “Musical Crimes Against Humanity”

  1. hapnor Says:

    right on! *applause*

  2. Wendy Says:

    Amen sista!

  3. whistler Says:

    Bad covers are evil. I do NOT think that people should be allowed to covers of Cure songs. 311 has ruined it for everyone!

  4. chel Says:

    Dude, I knew it was all over when I heard Yaz’s “Goodbye Seventies” played in MUSAK during my eye doctor’s visit when i was 18. I’m now 33. What’s next?!

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