The Xmess List

We all have one. Oh, I’m not talking about what consumer goods you just can’t live without. I’m talking about the other Christmas list…the list of Christmas songs that you’ve grown to hate. The songs that, when you hear them, your blood pressure starts to spike. Your fight-or-flight response kicks in, and if you can’t get away you just might go on a homicidal rampage.

The list grows every year, but how it happens is a mystery to me. Naturally, there are some Xmess tunes that have always been irritating and that no one in history has ever actually liked. (Twelve Days of Christmas, for example. Or anything by Alvin & The Chipmunks.) But what I’m talking about here are songs that you’ve probably grown up with, that you never minded before or perhaps even liked, but then one year something happens. Some magical, unknown threshold of cumulative numbers of times you’ve heard the song in your life is crossed, and something deep in the recesses of your brain just clicks, and you know…you just know…that you never, EVER want to hear that bloody song again for the rest of your days. And just like that, in the space of an instant, a song crosses over onto the List.

This post was triggered because last week I got a new entry onto my list. I’m not sure exactly where it happened, but it was last Wednesday when I was out shopping with my mom. I was at Trader Joes and heard it there, then a short time later I heard it at Kards Unlimited, and I may also have heard it in Williams-Sonoma, I don’t recall, but I do recall the unmistakable sound of my brain going CLICK.

Yup, it was “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” I don’t think it was Dean’s version that finally condemned it to the List, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care WHOSE version it is; Dean, Frank, Ray Charles, Bing, goddamn Brian Setzer, Ann Margaret. I. Don’t. Care.

I’ll say it loud and proud, I NEVER EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT SONG AGAIN.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” has always been a pretty dodgy song for me anyway. I’ve never liked it all that much. I’ve always found it kinda sleazy and disturbing, more or less so depending on who’s doing the singing. It’s not even a Christmas song, anyway. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” isn’t about Christmas, it’s about Date Rape! There, I said it. You know it’s true! Think about it for a minute. See?

Well, I hope I’ve managed to ruin “Baby It’s Cold Outside” for you forever now, because if I can get just one or two people to ban it from their holiday playlists, then I shall have infinitesimally reduced the number of times I’ll have to hear it. And when mental health is at stake, every little bit counts.

3 Responses to “The Xmess List”

  1. hapnor Says:

    Holy Jingle Bells! EXACTLY! That is exactly what I was thinking the last time I heard it (either Panara’s or a bus trip home —the PAT bus driver has a portable radio and blares muzak for all to hear)

    That song gives me the creeps. Like put some rohypnol or GHB in her drink and get it over with. Gahwwwd. Pay a hooker, masturbate… something, just quit pinning away at this chick. She isn’t going to give it up, move on!

  2. LOUP Says:

    Don’t watch “ELF” then … just a heads up.

  3. serhaex Says:

    Jimmy has a $10 per radio bounty at his workplace. For every radio that plays XMas music all day, every day — Jimmy has offered the maintenance men of his workplace money to “accidentally” disable those radios.

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