ROAR! if you like bad tv


Males in Mail, Part the Second

Thanks to the magic of Netflix and the utter lack of discrimination shown by Universal’s DVD division, I have been watching ROAR. *snork* What, you never heard of it? Heh. I’m not surprised. Although 13 episodes were made, it ran for only about 5 on FOX back in 1997. Then Sci-Fi Channel showed reruns for a while. No, I never watched it then, and I’m not sure why I’m watching it now. But that’s the kind of show ROAR is…you sit there wondering “Why in E’s name am I watching this?!?!” but you keep watching.

It is just so bad….I need to keep watching to see if it gets any stupider. ROAR stars a 17-yr. old Heath “Academy Award Nominated Act-or” Ledger as Connor, an Irish chieftan’s son who has to lead a rag-tag band of scrappy freedom fighters against the Romans in AD 400. I can’t believe I typed that with a straight face. ANYway, that’s what the show is supposed to be about, but most episodes the Romans and freedom-fighting are forgotten and replaced with “Hercules/Xena”-style cheeseball fantasy hijinxs.

This show has: An evil Roman villaness who looks and dresses like Ann Wilson from Heart. Dark Ages tribesmen covered with tattoos that are so complex, crisp, and black they look like they just came out of Angry Moon. Women who constantly dress in midriff-baring outfits (hey, isn’t Ireland kinda chilly and damp?) An Ireland that is always mostly sunny (oh hey! explains the outfits!). Really, really awful fight scenes. A token black guy (with token dreadlocks!) Heath in leather pants. “Irish” characters who sound like they came from the San Fernando Valley (only Heath and one other guy attempt accents at all…it’s so sad!) A warrior with big handlebar mustaches. A ex-slave girl who can read Aramaic. And best of all, an evil zombie dude who is really the Roman centurion who stabbed Jeebus with a spear and who is now cursed to live forever! WTF is he doing in Ireland…least of all in this program?! Don’t ask! But he’s kinda hot, though.

ROAR does for late Celtic times what A Knight’s Tale did for the 1300′s. It’s like if you want to make a mockery of Medieval history, Heath Ledger is the go-to man! I will grant that he knows how to rock the armor.

Oh, I forgot something. There is also a group of druids who all live in a nice big stone matte-painting of a temple. It’s all so cringe-worthy. But, I have one more disc to watch, gotta get back to it!

Must be the leather pants.

2 Responses to “ROAR! if you like bad tv”

  1. hapnor Says:

    is it bad that I’m insanely attracted to the 17 year old heath? i must go register as a sex offender now…

  2. tarsier Says:

    It’s the armor, I tell ya. The armor!! There’s nary a man around who doesn’t look better in medieval garb.

    BTW, where does one go to register as a sex offender? Not that I need to…just asking…uh…for a friend….

Leave a Reply