James Joyce at the Oscars

The following is a stream-of-conciousness transcript of my thoughts as typed live during the Oscar broadcast.

Joan Rivers wearing a dress made out of….Fraggle pelts?

Set looks like an expensive New jersey wedding. All that’s missing are the ice sculptures.

Amy Adams dress…pockets? and a BUSTLE? how’d she sit?

Paul Giamatti looks like crap.

HAS Nicole Kidman become the walking dead officially?

Jake G’s tie is about 3 times as big as it should be. It’s gonna eat his head.

Supporting Actor: Clooney. Predictable. Great speech, though.

What is with the treacly music playing during people’s speeches?

Jennifer Aniston…love that dress. Wear some makeup though!! Jeezus, she doesn’t even have any lip gloss on!

Ok, the music during the speeches is reeeaaallly pissing me off.

Morgan Freeman. He’s good in anything. Also, one of the best-dressed men of the night. He wasn’t wearing a tie, but looked better than all the guys who were wearing ties and doing it WRONG.

Supporting Actress: Michelle Williams deserved that one, dammit! And she was wearing a real lipstick color…she needed an award for that alone. First BBM robbery of the night.

The film noir tribute was nice, but pointless. Lauren Bacall really blew it, too. Old bag.

“Beautiful and talented entertainer and actress, Jennifer Lopez.”
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(p.s. JLo, stop with the tanning! You look like your ethnicity has changed.)

Keanu can read off a teleprompter, and still sound like a ‘tard. Nice dress, though Sandra! Get some lipstick.

Art Direction: Damn! Wanted ‘Good Night and Good Luck’ to win it. This night is not boding well.

The president of the Academy is invoking Greg Peck’s name. Nice try, but no cigar, bub.

Salma Hayek! W00t!!!

Best Score: YEAH! BBM! Awesome score!

What’s with all the anti-DVD sentiment in the script? When are Hollywood people gonna realize that’s where all their money comes from?

OMG, Meryl Streep looks wonderful! Wow! Wow. Well done, indeed.

Best Song: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” It’s harder in here for an Oscar viewer.

Stop kissing Peter Jackson’s ass!!!

Editing? It’s 10:45 and we’re just at Editing?!

Hilary Swank. That’s a man, baby!

Best Actor: That’s Marvelous!! Philip is the man! Go Philip! Go Truman! And he referenced Van Morrison. Good one. And they cut to Heath Ledger, and he honestly looks relieved and happy he didn’t win. So, a happy ending for both!

Cinematography: Oh come ON! Why is ‘Geisha’ winning so much? Nobody liked that movie! This sucks.

Best Actress: *yawn* Predictable. Not that she didn’t do a good job, but learning to sing isn’t acting. Now she’s hyperventilating, oh my. Shut up!! Ok, stop! Stop crying! Ahhh….she won’t stop!

Jaime Foxx has been filming ‘Miami Vice’ too long…he’s starting to dress and talk just like Philip Michael Thomas. :)

Adapted Screenplay: Yes! Truth and justice prevails! All hail BBM! All Hail Larry for wearing jeans with his tuxedo top!

Heath looks nice tonight.

Original Screenplay: Crash. Good have that award, keep your dirty mitts off of everything else that belongs to BBM.

Director: OH YEAH BABY! Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-hoooooooooo! The nicest man in Hollywood!! I love that guy! Awwww, he’s thanking Ennis and Jack. Oh, I’m gonna cry.

Jack Nicholson? Jeezus, why can’t somebody put a bullet through him already.

Best Picture: YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CHICKENSHIT, HOMOPHOBE, HYPOCRITE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TO HELL! ROT THERE! BE TORTURED BY THE VENGEFUL SPIRIT OF ORSON WELLES FOR ALL ETERNITY! COWARDS! I am never watching your stupid excuse for an awards show again!!!! Fucking old white men.

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Morning-after edit: Wow, I haven’t felt this gutted since the last presidential election, and for all the same reasons. The “values” of Bush America triumph again — fear, hate, homophobia, tastelessness, and a perverse pride in being ignorant. The worst thing about this is, all the gay-bashing Dubya voters will point to Brokeback’s loss as “proof” that Amurrika Hates Faggots. Well fuck you bastards. This is one American who loves her Gay Cowboys and knows that, in 10 years time, 2006 and “Crash” will go down in history as one of the Worst Best Picture Winners EVER, right up there with Titanic, Forrest Gump, and How Green Was My Valley.

One Response to “James Joyce at the Oscars”

  1. hapnor Says:

    Love the play by play!

    Though I haven’t seen it (because I am a big pathetic schlub) I wish BBM would’ve won. I loooove the story. Crash was okay, I guess, it wasn’t very original. Though, I am very bothered by the lable “Oscar Upset”..I mean, if it BBM was a shoe-in (and i have no doubt it was) then why have the awards? So I guess on a infinitesimally small level, I am glad that Crash won to upset the oscars (to fuck the status quo)…though the movie BBM fucked the status quo to begin with. So by my fucked up logic, the status quo was fucked last night by not giving the award to the status quo fucker BBM. Nevermind.

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