Thank you, Coach Cowher!

O happy day! I got out of bed this morning to find that Crack Monkey had moved, my property taxes were cut by 60%, and tha Hood has disappeared!! Overnight it was replaced by a thriving neighborhood, full of affordable, quality housing and locally-owned shops! Not only that, but Rick Santorum has voluntarily resigned his Senate seat, and the state legislature has voted to triple mass transist funding! In the wake of last night’s Super Bowl victory, a brand new light monorail system has sprung up to connect all of Pittsburgh’s major areas. Amtrak is finalizing plans to construct high-speed trains between Pittsburgh and NYC, and all of our major air carriers will now fly non-stop to anywhere in the US and Europe! Five Fortune 500 tech companies are moving to town, and they all named ‘Jerome Bettis’ as their reason why! Pittsburgh’s downtown now has unique stores, residents, and culture! The amusement tax was repealed, and there’s a long list of great acts that I want to see who’ll be coming to town soon! Our newly-thriving gay community is revitalizing neighborhoods! And henceforth, all new movies will premiere in LA, New York, and Pittsburgh months before they open anywhere else.

No, actually that didn’t happen.

I’m just glad we had 10-degree wind chills last night so that the rioting and looting was restricted to the usual neighborhoods where all the alchoholics live. I still didn’t get a minute’s sleep for fear that at any moment, somebody was going to start shooting off guns or chuck a brick through my window.

Now please, just shut up, go away, take your fucking towels, and wipe your asses with them, and get the hell out of my face for 6 blissful months, retards.

2 Responses to “Thank you, Coach Cowher!”

  1. kta Says:

    lol – I was all happy for you there for a second thinking Crack Monkey moved! :-) How is he doing anyway? ;-)

  2. Haley Says:

    Sports- a way to keep the masses happy so that the gov. can continue to corrupt…I think the whole thing is egregious all the $$$$ people spend on shit, yellow towels, t-shirts, hats blah blah blah. These are the same people that spend hundreds on shit, but have no $$$$ in savings or retirement or any $$$$ for their retarded offsprings future. Fucking trisomy-21 drooling fucks.

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