May I Have the Envelope, Please?

Ladies and gentlemen, beating out those other awards shows by almost a month, we welcome you to The First (Annual?) Tarsier Awards!
the martys

These prestigious awards recognize the most noteworthy of the year’s movies, and are affectionately known as ‘the Martys’, in honor of film comedian and tarsier look-alike Mr. Marty Feldman.

The Martys are different from other awards in one very important way.
We tell the truth!
Our judges are not swayed by big splashy ads in Variety. Spielberg can’t bribe us. Harvery Weinstein won’t ply us with liquor and free lunches.
We’re into pure art, baby!

Also, we can make up any categories we want.

And now without further ado, let’s turn the evening over to our host, Clive Owen in a tuxedo!!

Take it away, Clive!

The ‘Get a Friggin Editor Award’ for Unnecessary Length of a Motion Picture goes to:
Peter Jackson for King Kong

Most Accurate Period Piece:
Good Night, and Good Luck

Most Annoying Medieval Movie:
Kingdom of Heaven

The ‘Instant Karma Award’ goes to:
The producers of The Island. If you remake Parts, The Clonus Horror, don’t act all surprised when your movie bombs.

The ‘You Are So Overrated and Can Your Career Please Stop Now?’ Award will be shared by:
Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Brokeback Mountain

Best Original Screenplay:
The Ice Harvest

Worst Original Screenplay:
the perennial favorite and still champ…GEORGE LUCAS for Return of the Sith!

The ‘Basil Rathbone Honorary Award for Sexiest-Ass Villain’ goes to
Cillian Murphy in Batman Begins

The ‘Sexiest Damn Thing I’ve Seen in a Movie All Year’ Award goes to:
That scene in Match Point where Scarlett J. blindfolds Jonathan Rhys Myers with his tie.

Worst Casting in a Motion Picture:
The Dukes of Hazzard. You deserve a swift and merciless public execution.

Best Casting in a Motion Picture:
Alan Cumming as Loki and Bob Hoskins as Thor in Son of the Mask. Sure the movie sucked, but that is genius casting!

The ‘I’m Going to Give Him An Award Because I’ve Always Wanted To Give Him An Award’ Award goes to:
Donald Sutherland. Good work, my man!

The Fanboy Achievement Award goes to:
Batman Begins

Best Soundtrack:
Walk the Line. Ooh, THAT was hard to pick.

Best Supporting Actor:
Ian McDiarmid in Return of the Sith

Best Supporting Actress:
Michelle WIlliams in Brokeback Mountain

The ‘Everything Looks Better in Black and White’ Award goes to:
Good Night, and Good Luck

Best Cinematography:
Brokeback Mountain

Best Art Direction:
The Brothers Grimm

The ‘We Know You Were Hot, But You’re Still the’ Worst Actor Award:
Hayden Christensen in Return of the Sith

The ‘A-for-Effort Biggest Improvement in an Actor We Always Used to Think Sucked’ Award goes to:
Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain

Most Under-Utilized Actor:
Clive Owen

Best Actor:
Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote

Best Actress:
Cate Blanchet. Even without appearing in any films this year, she is still better than the rest of you lot!

The ‘Special Musical Achievement in a Film’ Award goes to:
Joaquin Phoenix in Walk The Line. You imitated Johnny Cash, and I didn’t want to stab you for it. That’s hard to pull off!

The ‘Society Is Made Worse By The Existence of this Movie’ Award:
The Dukes of Hazzard

Best Director:
Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain

Best Movie (Comedy):
The Ice Harvest

Best Movie (Drama):

goes to……


Oh my goodness, Ladies and Gentlemen, IT’S A TIE! Because it’s MY awards, and I can do that!

Brokeback Mountain and A History of Violence

Thank you, this concludes our evening.

5 Responses to “May I Have the Envelope, Please?”

  1. LOUP Says:

    I love the WTL soundtrack except for Reese Witherspoon’s songs .. something about her twang makes me want to road rage.

    Other than that I would say spot on!!

  2. hapnor Says:

    As the Guinness brewmasters would say, Brilliant!

  3. LOUP Says:

    Oh …can we add “Best Kiss” … you know it was Jack and Ennis punching each other and making out!! = )

  4. tarsier Says:

    Fine by me! I hearby officially mandate

    Best Spit-Swapping: Heath Ledger and Jake “I’ll learn how to spell his name yet” Gyllenhaal!

    Good work boys.

  5. Wendy Says:

    Bravo, Bravo!!!! An awards slate that doesn’t make me vomit when I read it! I always wanted there to be a tie in an awards show. Just to piss someone off!

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