Fear and Loathing in Pittsburgh

ROETHLISBERGER SUCKS ASS!

I just felt like saying that. :) I was thinking about making up a sign and hanging it out front, but I don’t have a good place to hang it from, and my street doesn’t get quite enough traffic.

Yes, for those few readers out there who do not live in the greater Pittsburgh metro hellhole, our own Steeltards will be in the Stuporbowl on Sunday. The HIVE MIND has reached a fever pitch. If you ever thought Invasion of the Body Snatchers was disturbing, you ain’t seen nothing! Those pod people were a bunch of radical free-thinking individualists compared to the mindless, frothing, Steeltard zombies that surround me on all sides. Salem Witch Trials? A picnic compared to this place. Any minute now, somebody’s gonna round me up and take me to a “special camp” for people like me.

The thing is, I’m not really kidding.

I’ve been in a state of fear/rage for the past month or so, because of the HIVE MIND all around me. Of all the things I’m afraid of, humans in a mob mentality just trigger some deep primal freak-out in me. I wish I could put it into words better, but it’s just so visceral. I want AWAY from here. Now. I can’t even go out to the grocery store without feeling either abject terror, or wanting to slash the throat of every Steeltard-shirt wearing person I see. The ol’ Fight-or-Flight Response.

I seriously wish I had access to an old bomb shelter buried in a yard somewhere. I’d go into it on Friday and not come out until Tuesday or so. BW and I have already been living in a state of Total Media Blackout for a week. We do NOT turn on local tv or radio. We insulate ourselves the best we can, but there’s only so much we can do. I’m deeply afraid of what will happen if the ‘tards win. Then the mob will get really ugly, run around town destroying shit, etc. *shudder* That is the stuff of my nightmares.

But enough about my phobias, let’s talk about the political side of this idiocy. I keep hearing from clueless idiots that somehow the Steeltards doing well is “good for the city.”

FUCKING HOW?!?!?

This city is literally BANKRUPT. If the Steeltards win the Stuporbowl, will Pittsburgh suddenly be in the black? Will our collapsing bridges magically be repaired? Will all the condemned buildings that the city doesn’t have enough money to tear down fall over on their own? Will the tax money that the former Mayor wasted on a new stadium for the ‘tards be refunded to us? Will the population stop shrinking? Will big industries and smart tech people suddenly drop everything and say, “Wow, Pittsburgh’s team won the Super Bowl! Screw San Fran, I’m moving there tomorrow and opening up a business!!!” ??

HOW exactly will this shit help us?!

On the other hand, if the people and government of this dump would expend a FRACTION of the effort, energy, and above all, MONEY on fixing up this place and addressing the real problems as they do on Steeltard t-shirts and parties and bullshit, we would be a fucking MECCA. But noooooooooo, let’s have bread and fucking circuses instead.

I hate you fuckers.

AND Jerome Bettis.
AND Bill Cowher.
AND that guy with the dreadlocks.

And Roethlisberger still sucks ass.

5 Responses to “Fear and Loathing in Pittsburgh”

  1. Haley Says:

    Praise it sistah cheryl. You speak da gospel of Truth. I surmise if we rounded up all the Steelertards and all the Nastards, we could have our own little slice of goodness in pittsburgh.

  2. kta Says:

    Um, how do you feel about the Steelers? ;-)

  3. whistler Says:

    You can kill them, but don’t touch the Penguins.. They’re endangered species.

  4. lorz Says:

    Great rant! If it’s any consolation, even the “smart tech people” here are acting vaguely tardlike with the Seahawks being in the Super Bowl. I hope you find that bomb shelter.

  5. Gutterboy Says:

    Uh-oh. Looks like it’s car fires, shotgun blasts, whoops of ‘WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” and other festivities for you tonight.

    Sorry.

    Guys get asked who they think is going to win. All the time. So, all weekend, as an experiment, I would reply:

    “They’re pretty evenly matched. But I think the [team] WANTS IT MORE.”

    Didn’t matter which team I said. Everyone agreed with me.

    WHOO! YOU’RE NUMBER ONE! WHOOOOOOO!

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