The Great Cola Conspiracy

If you know me, or have looked at other parts of this site, you know that one of my most favoritist beverages ever is Diet Vanilla Coke. That’s why I’ve been very upset with my local grocery monopoly store, because for the past several weeks something has been amiss with the DVC supply. They never had the 12-packs of cans in stock, and kept only a token handful of 2-liter bottles on the shelves. Finally, miracle of miracles, this Sunday I spotted a real live supply manger out and about on the the store floor. I cornered the rare being and said, “Why is it that you never seem to have any DVC anymore?”

He sighed and told me that the Coca-Cola company is discontinuing all Vanilla Coke completely!!! It is no longer to be shipped or stocked! They are replacing it with….cherry vanilla! WTF?!?! They already HAVE cherry, they HAD vanilla, who the fuck wants cherry-vanilla?! That is just overkill, and sounds bloody awful!

I swear to gawd, this shit never fails to happen to me. EVERY TIME I find some mass-market food product or item on a restaurant menu that I like….THEY TAKE IT AWAY! EVERY time! The DVC…the Chipotle Mayo…the Santa Fe Gordita at Taco Bell…the hummus at Panera Bread…the list stretches back on through the decades. I cannot TELL you the number of times I’ve gone somewhere, looking forward to ordering my favorite thing, only to be greeted with a blank stare and a, “Uhhhhh, we like, don’t have that anymore.”

As my homie Charlie Brown always used to say, “I can’t stand it! Why? Why?! WHY?!

I refuse to believe that I am that weird. I am turning the tables. -I- do not have strange taste. Rather it is the vast ignorant majority of stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, pathetic, hopeless Americans who have strange taste!! Strange tastes? Fuck ‘dat, they have NO taste!! If they had any taste at all, they would BUY these good products. But no…they must have their nasty shite. Vanilla Coke gets shitcanned, and yet the atrocities that are Lemon Coke and Lime Coke still exist! That crap tastes like drinking straight petrochemicals!

I lay the responsibility for these many and various Crimes Against Taste squarely at the feet of Mr. & Mrs. Middle America. You people are freaks, do you hear me, freaks!! Goddamn, but you owe me some serious restitution.

You can start thusly: if you see any DVC in stock anyplace where you live, buy it up and negotiate a way to have it sent to me. Then maybe I won’t kill you.


4 Responses to “The Great Cola Conspiracy”

  1. Haley Says:

    I completely feel your pain. My food-life has been shattered many, many times with broken promises from the food-makers. Remember “New York Seltzer?” Yeah, still feeling that pain after all these years….

  2. whistler Says:

    All I have to say is AMEN! It’s about time we stand up and say that we’re the normal ones.

  3. kta Says:

    While shopping last night, I was in the soda aisle and decided to see if our store pulled the vanilla coke too…and they did! I don’t even drink vanilla coke but remembered your post and thought I’d look! lol I’m a pepsi drinker so this doesn’t really affect me but there have been many, many products that I’ve come to love and then the next time you go to get them, poof, they’re gone!!! It’s a conspiracy!!!!

    Damn, I just typed a whole book in your blog….sorry! lol

  4. Blog, Tarsier, Blog » Blog Archive » Back in Blak Says:

    [...] ally that the introduction of this product IN NO WAY redeems the Coca-Cola company for the eradication of Vanilla Coke that they viciously carried out earlier this year. In fact, sinc [...]

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