The Golden Age of Mediocrity

Given my tendency to blather nonstop about my many favorite old Hollywood stars, someone asked me, “Are there ANY old movie stars that you DON’T like?!” Well sure, but why write posts about lamers?

However, to prove that I don’t just indiscriminately worship anyone who was ever filmed in black & white, here’s a partial list of old stars who you’ll never have to listen to me rhapsodize about:
(DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I dislike these people, they’re all still far less annoying than any modern movie star that I don’t like.)

Veronica Lake — She was the Kate Hudson of her day: small, blonde, universally adored, and NO discernable talent whatsoever. She is the Anti-Stanwyck. Veronica was acclaimed as the hottest thing on two legs back in her day, but if you took away her famous hairdo, she was really very average-looking. And remember..people think Jessica Simpson is the hottest thing on two legs today. People are known to have bad taste.

John Wayne — There are just no words for how much I loathe him. Ugg! I can’t even stand to watch his early, better movies. Ack! He ranks up there with Stallone in the pantheon of Worst Stars Ever.

Alan Ladd — *SNORE*

Humphrey Bogart — *Gasp!* Blasphemy! Heresey! Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not that I don’t like Bogart, I just think he is WAYYYY The Hell overrated as some Ultimate Icon of Coolness. I just don’t see it. Bogie is resoundingly “ok”, and that’s all. And the part of Philip Marlowe BELONGS to Robert Mitchum, goddamn it.

Grace Kelly — rather like Nicole Kidman…everyone raves about her as an icy cool austere goddess. Well, ok, but what’s so appealing about that? For the record, I don’t ‘get’ Nicole Kidman’s appeal either, but she is a way better actress than Princess Grace was at least.

Audrey Hepburn — Another “beauty” who I just don’t Get. I think she looks like a boy, and I never thought she had the fabulous fashion sense people give her credit for. I think her clothes were boring.

Alfred Hitchcock — More blasphemy. Again, I don’t DISlike Hitch. I’ll give you that his movies are technically brilliant, plotted like clockwork, etc. etc. But for whatever reason, I just never really enjoy them very much. Maybe too much technical genius, not enough art? Plus, his weird Thing for icy cool blondes gets VERY creepy after you’ve seen enough of his movies.

Lauren Bacall — Overrated. Her reputation as the Ultimate Dame comes totally from her marriage to Bogart. I think if she hadn’t had her relationship with him, she wouldn’t have gotten very far at all. I never thought she was very good in her early movies…maybe she improved later, I dunno. People flocked to the movies she and Bogart did together for the titillation factor, it was just like “Mr.& Mrs. Smith” with Brangelina. But I never saw the chemistry between Bogie n’ Bacall, because I was too busy being SQUICKED! She was 19 for gawd’s sake, and he was like 50-going-on-dead! I can’t be the only person who thinks they are gross.

There, now that I’ve likely offended somebody, I’ll return you to your regularly-scheduled Old Hollywood adulation.

3 Responses to “The Golden Age of Mediocrity”

  1. Haley Says:

    No Hitch? But, but, but, its Hitch. I like the clockwork nature in his films, it adds to the nagging psychological stress…

    As for the blondes hmmmm, maybe since they look more innocent on screen it also adds to the psychological stress. For example, Kubrick’s use of Sue Lyon (a cool blonde).

  2. Gutterboy Says:

    Time to play Funny/Not Funny…

    Mr. Bob Hope?

    NOT FUNNY!

    Mr. Danny Kaye?

    NOT FUNNY!

    Mr. Red Skelton?

    OH, CHRIST, SO NOT FUNNY!

  3. Marci Says:

    Well, I don’t see it so much for women, but Spader is the personification of icy cool austere (well, back in the day more so) and he sure made it hot…

Leave a Reply