Am I Evil?

Yes I am!

I almost forgot to tell you guys about this charming anectdote. This past Sunday, there was a birthday party for Crack Monkey over at the Crack House. Carloads of relatives and friends (Dubious. I still can’t believe he has any friends.) showed up, extorted gifts in hand. Thankfully, they were mostly adults, but there were still enough sproggen present that the noise level was ungodly.

Well, we couldn’t leave because we were waiting around for BW’s dad to show up with the motorcycle. As we were sitting on our front steps waiting for them to arrive, Crack Monkey and a “friend” wandered a little ways into our yard to retrieve a ball. Now where we were sitting, Crack Monkey couldn’t see us because there’s a big shrubbery in the way. So we hear Crack Monkey say to his “friend”:

“Oh, did I tell you? This is, like, my Evil Neighbor’s.”


I wish I’d have had the presence of mind to leap up from behind the shrubbery and yell, “DAMN RIGHT, YOU LITTLE FREAK!” and give him a heart attack. But I didn’t. :(

On the one hand, I’m pleased. I mean, who doesn’t want sprogs to think of them as the “evil neighbor”? On the other hand, I’m angry. What good is it being the evil neighbor if it doesn’t entail my being treated with fear and respect? In the old days, kids used to be afraid to make the evil neighbor angry. They wouldn’t utter a peep, lest the evil neighbor come and gut them with a serrated bread knife, or sacrifice them in Satanic rituals. What happened to those bygone days?? *cue nostalgic “Leave It To Beaver”-type music* Now I get the title Evil Neighbor without reaping any of the benefits.

And I’m also pissed because, how dare I be considered evil just because I don’t enjoy the sound of a 10 year old retard screaming like he’s being put through a mulcher! That is NOT evil, that is NORMAL! I have a feeling he probably got that idea from Crack Mommy, who I’m pretty sure hates my guts now that I’ve dared open my mouth and complain about the Monkey. Well, to hell with the whole household, except the nice family dog!

How long till I can move??

3 Responses to “Am I Evil?”

  1. LOUP Says:

    It does suck that you get the title but none of the bennys! I have been the Evil Neighbor just about every place I’ve lived. LK and I have even been “the old couple with the mean dogs”. Of course that title came from some Barbiesque college twits that made too much noise in the hall and my dogs barked at her and her drunken greekweek pals.

    I so wish you would have jumped out at CrackMonkey. I would have paid to see it. We Evil Neighbors have to stick together.

  2. kta Says:

    I have to confess, the crackmonkey stories bust me up! Too funny! Of course, I don’t have to live next to him! :-)

  3. whistler Says:

    too funny.

    Ms. Evil, can I have your autograph?

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