Why are you doing this to us?

3queens

Ooooohhhhhhhhh NOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Just in time to capitalize upon the discovery of Richard III’s remains (and the popularity of Game of Thrones, because hey, it’s old-timey people in doublets and armour so it’s all the same to the viewing public, amIright?) comes a BBC/Starz (STARZ?!?! REALLY? Was The CW all booked up?!) miniseries about the Wars of The Roses.

Now, I could be 110% behind such a project.  A well-scripted, historically-accurate show about Lancastrians and Yorkists?  Hell yes, bring it!  Why settle for GRRM’s cheesed-up pastiche when you could have the real thing?  The Woodvilles would show those Lannisters how it’s done, AND we wouldn’t have to endure any Danaerys scenes! Score!

But this is not such a project.

This series will be based on “The Cousins’ War” novels by Phillipa Gregory.  Yes, the Phillipa Gregory who was responsible for The Other Boleyn Girl.  In which Anne Boleyn had sex with her gay brother (and that was one of her good books!)  The Phillipa Gregory whose novels are one step up from being this:

cheese

And yet who loudly and consistently touts herself as a “historian.”  Bitch, don’t even.

Now I’ll admit, I read The Other Boleyn Girl (and saw the movie, because someone I know is a rabid Eric Bana fan.)  I rolled my eyes but I could cope with it because for one thing, it was about the Tudors and they deserve to be messed with, and for the other, not much is really known about Mary Boleyn so an author can get away with making things up out of whole cloth.  But you don’t screw around with known facts and you do NOT  tamper with my Plantagenets.

I wouldn’t touch these “Cousins’ War” novels with a 10-foot halberd, but I gather from browsing the reviews that, among the hundreds of small and large inaccuracies Ms. Gregory treats her readers to is this gob-smacker:  Elizabeth Woodville, and her mother Jacquetta, were witches.  Descended from a Celtic water spirit, Melusine.  Elizabeth used witchcraft to get Ed 4 to marry her, and also brought on Richard’s back problems with a curse.  Do you see what this is doing to me?  Phillipa Gregory is putting me in a position where I have to defend Elizabeth Woodville!  Auuugh!!  *slams head on desk*

But the author is a “historian”, so it’s ok, right?  I assume she obtained her degree at the same university as the Downton Abbey writers.

ANYway, the TV show will star Max Irons (son of Jeremy) as Edward IV and a bunch of other largely-unknowns.  No word on when it will air.  At least the guy cast as Richard is really cute, I’ll give them that.  Here’s a look at the brothers of York (l-r George, Edward, Richard), and below is an article and video.  And yes I’ll watch it.  Of course I’ll watch it.  I may have to steal a supply of high blood pressure meds, and wash that down with gin, but how could I not watch?  I owe it to the historical record to call out the bullshit.  And how often do we see a cute R3 on tv? :P

max-in-white-queen

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/starz-releases-first-look-at-419190

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