Bibliophobia

I think I am officially done with Fantasy novels.

Last week, out of sheer boredom, I made my first trip to the public library in over two years.  Honestly, public libraries never have a goddamned thing I’m interested in reading.  (But these days, neither do book stores.  We’ll get to that in a minute.)  I’ve been reading practically nothing but non-fiction lately, and I because I get so frustrated with the increasingly limited range of books I enjoy anymore, I wanted to force myself to just pick some cheesy, light thing off the shelf and just READ it!  Just read it, dammit, it’s free!  Don’t worry about it!  Read for entertainment!

FAIL.

As with movies, I cannot be entertained by poor-quality crap.  I swear they’ll publish anything in fantasy these days!  Where have all the editors gone?  Was there a mass die-off?

Apart from the bad writing itself, I’ve been reading Fantasy for so long I really think there is no trope that I haven’t encountered before and gotten sick of.

I am so over/want nothing to do with Any Of the Following:

  • Multi-part book series
  • Dragons as main characters
  • Vampires as main characters
  • “Chosen One” young heroes who are preternaturally the Most! Giftedest! Ever!
  • Wizard schools
  • Assassin schools
  • Dragon-riding schools
  • World-building with no story-telling (i.e. author spent more time thinking up cool names than writing the plot)
  • Fantasy Char’acqtuars with apostrophes in their names
  • Overly-long battle scenes
  • Thinly disguised Wiccan shit
  • “Feminist reimaginings” of anything (see above)
  • “Authors” who just cannot bloody write.

So where does that leave me?

But here’s my thing: Fantasy is/was the only kind of fiction that I reliably like.  I’m at a real loss now.  I’m afraid of having to live the next 35+ odd years of my life with nothing to read but but non-fiction.  Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love my history books (with the odd biography or Film Criticism thrown in), but I really, REALLY don’t want to morph into a old white guy who only reads military history and books about the Nazis!  But I fear it may already be too late.

Unless you guys can help!  Given the (admittedly ridiculous, but hey I acknowledge that I have a problem) criteria below, can someone throw me a lifeline and tell me what to read?!

Here’s a Brief List of Fiction Genres that I DO NOT like:

  • Mystery
  • Sci-Fi
  • Romance*
  • Porn posing as Romance*
  • Chick-Lit*
  • Victorian fiction 1 (i.e. fiction written in Victorian times) Eliminates 90% of “classic literature”.
  • Victorian fiction 2* (i.e. fiction books SET during Victorian times.  If there’s top hats, count me out.)  Same goes for Georgian and Regency times.
  • *If any of the above feature a time-traveling heroine, that’s even worse.
  • “Young Adult” fiction
  • “Supernatural Romance” (i.e. porn with vampires/werewolves/etc.)
  • Steampunk (see above, re: top hats)
  • Cyberpunk
  • Nautical books
  • Legal thrillers
  • Cop thrillers
  • Spy thrillers
  • Civil War books
  • Books set in modern times do not interest me.  If there’s cell phones and computers, count me out.  About as recent an era that I’m willing to read about is 1950.
  • Anything Oprah would tell me to read
  • Anything classified as “beach reading”

So what DO I like in fiction books?

  • Historical fiction
  • As long as it doesn’t suck.
  • Medieval times, plagues, Yorkists, Lancastrians, witch trials, Vikings, Druids, Celts
  • Gay heroes
  • Arthuriana
  • As long as it doesn’t suck, but I think I’ve read all of it that doesn’t.
  • Serial killers
  • My favorite fiction authors include: Tolkien, Kafka, Truman Capote, Cormac McCarthy, Guy Gavriel Kay, and Raymond Chandler.

There you have it.  Is there hope for me?

I suppose I could spend eternity rereading Swordspoint; not such a bad fate, at that.

 

One Response to “Bibliophobia”

  1. kristy Says:

    Discworld series? Other than that, I got nothin’.

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