A Douchebag Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

Time for a little status report.

I’m still unemployed.  I still don’t care that much, though I feel so great when I hear that “more qualified candidates” have been selected for freaking minimal-wage grunt jobs.  The ennui is very thick around here.  It’s not so much that I want a job (meh), but I would just like to make some kind of change.

For instance, I’m itching to move out of my neighborhood, but unemployment and This Economy put a damper on that.  Yeah, my house is awesome.  But when we moved into this area, we believed it was heading into a revitalization.  Once the economy hit the skids, that never materialized, and if anything the place has backslid.  Between the living dead, the Russian Mafia, the trashy renters, and the yinzers, there are an awful lot of losers around here.  And now they’re right next door……

See, we live next door to a sweet, stereotypical Old Italian Lady.  She lived alone (with a friggin obnoxious yappy dog), and was always very spry, constantly out puttering in her garden, etc.  I think she’s lived in the same house since she immigrated here from Italy after WW2, so she’s like the anchor of the block.  Very kind, always offering stuff from her kitchen….if she ever spotted us doing some major household project, suddenly she’d materialize with a homemade pizza in hand.

But for almost a month now she’s been in the hospital with heart trouble.  And her annoying daughter and even more annoying teen grandkids have moved in.  The daughter claims they were planning to move in anyway, to “help”, but I suspect they just want to be able to lay claim to the house whenever the OIL dies.  It’s not the greatest house, but it’s huge, and they’d just been renting before.

Family consists of

  • Middle Aged Yinzer Ma:  Glasses, very heavy, smoker, short weed-whacker haircut, voice like a buzz saw — if you’ve ever been to PGH, you know of what I speak.
  • Twihard Teen Daughter:  Very, very heavy.  Whines a lot, but with her family I don’t blame her.  Over the past few years when they’d come by to visit, I’d NEVER seen her wear ANYTHING other than one of two styles of Twilight tshirts that she owned.  And a Twilight hoodie in the winter.  Honestly, nothing else.  But they must not make Twilight summer clothes because she has switched to a nondescript purple tank top now that it’s really hot.  I’m keeping an eye out for Edward and/or Jacob’s return.
  • Douchebag Teen Son:  I think he’s older than the daughter, and such a piece of work.  Doughy, no neck, super-short hair.  Constantly on cell phone (who wants to talk to him?!) with cig in hand.  He sort of looks like Mussolini, (if you can picture 19 year-old Mussolini in baggy nylon shorts sliding off his ass) with a personality to match, so I call him “Il Douché.”  When he’s not sharing quality smoke break time with his mom, he’s cussing her out.  All of them snipe at each other constantly (though I can’t blame the girl), but Il Douché wins the prize.  I once heard him say to his mother, “…because you’re a fucking bitch and you make stupid decisions!”  Exact quote.  Quality.

The first annoying thing they did was get a reserved Handicapped Parking Space blocked off on the street, even though OIL’s house has a garage.  The second thing is that they stand out in the front yard to smoke, and it blows into my windows.  And the third thing –

The three of them (Though Il Douché loves to remind his mom that it’s HER dog) have a small female Siberian Husky.  Never wanted one, but I swear I’m about to stage a Husky Liberation Action.  It’s not that they neglect or are cruel to the dog.  They keep her indoors, she’s obviously fed, she gets let out many times per day (not without a chorus of constant bitching by Il Douché when it’s his turn.)  But the yard is postage-stamp sized, no room to play at all, and when they take her for “walks”…..I’m so hesitant to even use the word….they “walk” her to the end of the block.  And back.  AND THAT IS ALL.  This is a freakin’ Husky you lazy fucks, it’s supposed to be pulling a sled and you are walking it 30 feet!  It’s not just the Ma, but the kids do this as well.

Disclaimer:  I do NOT believe in fat-bashing.  I have always believed people can be healthy at any size and the body standards imposed by the media are sick and damaging.  I’ll never change my mind about that.

But this family….I’m sorry.  When your whole family is obese-to-morbidly obese, and the only food I ever see you bring into the house is pizza and Mountain Dew, that you drive the two blocks to pick up, and you don’t walk your dog more than a half a block, and 2 out of 3 of you smoke….then you can take your reserved Handicapped Parking Space sign and you can shove it up your “handicapped” ass.

Over and out.


One Response to “A Douchebag Is A Person In Your Neighborhood”

  1. Whistler Says:

    Well said that handicapped parking sucks.

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