I like hate, and I hate everything else

Usually this time of year I do my annual Crush Rankings update, but I think I’ll put that off for a while.  Instead, let me turn my attention to its Evil Twin.  People and things that, for good reason or, in many cases, no reason at all, I utterly despise at the moment.  This could easily be a 12-part series, but I’m gonna try to rein it in a tad.  Let’s rumble.

 

Michael Fassbender.  This bitch.  Where did he come from?  When will he go back there?  The first time I heard of him was when he failed to fill Sir Ian McKellan’s cape in X-Men First Class, so he got on the wrong side of me immediately.  Then he dared to take on the role that Orson Welles perfected in Jane Eyre.  And now he will just not go away!  This weekend there are two Fassbender movies playing at our small arty theater … they only have four screens!  How did he go from an oily piece of beef jerky in 300 and Centurion to art-house darling?! People think he is sex on platter, but why?  Tell me!! Take a long look at that face –  ok, it’s symmetrical.  And?  Seriously, I couldn’t pick Fassbender out of a lineup of suspects if he assaulted me.  Which, given his record, he might.  SIT DOWN, FASSBENDER.

 

Ryan Gosling.  Ryan fucking Gosling.  Ohmigawd I hate him SO much.  But I have no idea why.  It’s partly purely visceral — the sight of him makes me want to stab him.  It’s partly because he seems to be everyone’s dreamy imaginary boyfriend.  Huh?  In real life, he looks like a smug, douchey hipster.  Ugh, that skeezy little beard!  That lipless little smirk!  In his film roles, he doesn’t look much better.  I think he can act, but I can’t see it because of my overwhelming urge to strangle him.  I think my Gosling Hate is the most irrational of my irrational hatreds, but I can’t shake it.

 

The Bland Chrisses.  Pine, Hemsworth, Evans, who the fuck ARE you guys?!  Did you come from some square-jawed Borg facility?  Screw it, let’s throw in ALL the bland beefcake guys whose names I know but I couldn’t tell one from the other or which movies they’ve been in even if I took a graduate course on it:  Sam Worthington, Channing Tatum, Kellan Lutz, the other Hemsworth, gawd I’m exhausted already.  Take your generic “manly” looks, “steely” squints, your shiny over-developed muscle-boobs, and your comic-book jawlines, and your short hair, and your anti-charisma, and your inability to act and get the fuck off of my movie screens right now you fugly mofos!

 

IPA beers.  Ugh.  Not just piss, piss from someone whose kidneys aren’t working properly.  If you made beer out of the Bland Chrisses, it’d be an IPA.

Zooey Dooschanel.  Oh this girl and her utterly manufactured “quirkiness.”  She’s about as eccentric as Hot Topic is punk.

Zombies.  Goddamn it, it’s not entertaining anymore.  Get a new fucking meme.

Christina Hendricks.  There are enough pictures of this living blow-up doll on the internet already, I’m not adding to it.  Yeah it’s great that she’s not a size 00 and yet they allow her to be on TV, but ONLY because she has tits the size of watermelons.  That is the only way you’re allowed to be “curvy” in the media!  If she just had wide hips but normal-sized boobage, girlfriend would be working in a cubicle someplace.  Also with her, the tits are on display All.  The. Time.  Way to try to show you have something more to offer as an actress, ho.  Stand down.

Tapas restaurants.  Fuck you, I want a full-sized meal.

Hibachi restaurants.  Fuck you, if I wanted to sit with 8 strangers, eat greasy food, and watch a cheesy fucking floor show, I’d go see some community dinner theater production.

The Hunger Games.  So. Incredibly. Bad.  Don’t even know where to start.  And yet I think it will be an ok movie, because we’ll be spared Suzanne Collins’ “writing.”  If this is what passes for good YA fiction, it’s  no wonder kids graduate high school semi-literate.

Joe Paterno mourners.  Seriously?

 

4 Responses to “I like hate, and I hate everything else”

  1. LOUP Says:

    I had to look up the Hendricks chick. Not a clue on that one. I like Gosling but I feel your pain because you just described how I feel about Halle Berry.

  2. kristy Says:

    Preach it. I can comfort myself that I’ve never heard of half these people.

  3. tarsier Says:

    OMG I can’t stand Halle Berry!

  4. Mrs. Hdawg Says:

    allright… are you ready for the oncoming display of complete ignorance?
    #1 – I’ve been completely perplexed about all this recent enthusiasm for Fassbinder, now I find out it’s just another hunk du jour (like The Bland Chrises) and not the father of New German cinema…
    #2 – I love Ryan Gosling. More every day. And I’ve only seen him in one film. Here’s the main reason I love him: http://vimeo.com/29307271
    #3 – If there was any justice in this world, Zooey Deschanel, Christina Hendricks and Halle Berry would be forced to drink IPAs in a greasy zombie hibachi grill.

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