Whatever, Fassbender.

I was going to go with “X Missed the Spot,” but that’s cringe-inducing, isn’t it?

X-Men First Class was my most anticipated big studio movie of the summer.  You guys saw the trailer, wasn’t it magnificent?  It looked like it was going to be a serious, weighty take on the mythos — the Dark Knight of X movies.  What a misleading trailer.

There were two huge problems at play with this film. 1. It looked like they spent NO money.  CGI was BAD, and overused.  (CGI palm trees? Was that necessary?)  2.  Poor design.  I never once believed for a minute that this movie took place during 1962.  In the age of Mad Men, you can’t do 60′s half-assed and expect anyone to accept it.  3.  The script.  First Class grew from a script that was originally planned to be an origin movie about Magneto, and it shows.  They should have just made that movie instead.  Magneto is the only character in First Class who is fully-realized and has a great story arc.  This is Magneto’s film, and every part of the screenplay not dealing with him was obviously shoddy, last-minute hack work ranging from dull and lifeless to just flat-out bad.

You think my original title for this piece is cringe-inducing?  How about having young Professor X say, “Next thing you know, I’ll be going bald?”

See?  The script was littered with junk like that.  And whereas in the first (i.e. good) X-Men film, the mutant-gay allegory was thinly-veiled and deftly handled, in First Class we have a mutant utter the line, “They didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell.”  Are you fucking kidding me?!

I will say that the cast was uniformly good (with a few glaring exceptions, Ms. Jones) with what they had to work with.  Lesser actors would have put this movie on par with Fantastic Four.  So kudos to them.  Any film where you get to look at J McAvoy for 2 hours is not without merit.

Finally, I have to admit that even if this had been the great movie I was expecting, I wouldn’t have liked it as much as I could/should have.  To some extent, I ruined X-Men First Class for myself.  See, I’m cursed with a very powerful visual imagination.  Maybe that’s my mutant power.  It’s so powerful in fact, that during the entire length of First Class I found myself mentally overlaying Michael Fassbender’s young Magneto with a vivid imagining of a young Ian McKellen performing the same part.  (If you grew up in a cave, McKellen played old Magneto in the original X-films.)  I tried to stop, but I couldn’t!

And so I made myself depressed and angry about what an infinitely better movie I could have been watching, how much more delicious the scenes of young Erik and Charles being buddies, how much sexier the scenes of Magneto being a badass, how much more convincing all of his speeches….I think I may have made myself cry.

Listen, I had nothing against Michael Fassbender personally.  I’m sure he’s a fine person and a good actor in other parts.  And I can hardly expect someone to be like a young Ian McKellen, can I?  Because who could?  It’s unfair to draw comparisons, truly.

But I did.  And now I deeply resent Michael Fassbender’s existence.  Call it a personal failing.

Enough of this.  I’ll rub more salt in my wounds.

2 Responses to “Whatever, Fassbender.”

  1. LOUP Says:

    Well now this is just disappointing. I was hoping for the best too. Guess we are skipping this one. Thanks for taking the hit for us.

  2. ReeRee Says:

    …. Oh, I’m sorry the movie was so bad … Hollywood has been missing the mark on many movies lately !!

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