A Penguins Primer for Girls

I’ve talked two out-of-state friends into virtually watching the Winter Classic with me.  They are both newbies to hockey/the Pens, so I wrote this as a little viewing guide for them.  But, since I took SO much effort to compose this piece, why not add it to the blog? Heh.  I know most everyone reading this is familiar with Penguins hockey but on the off chance the Winter Classic really does attract some random viewers who’ve never heard of Sidney Crosby before, herewith I present this document for your edification.

Hockey Rules:

Are extremely hard, intentionally Byzantine, and change all the time.  They are also almost NEVER enforced with any degree of consistency by the Referees, but whether this is a cause or an effect of the above, I do not know.   This is why I’ve never bothered to learn them.  All you really need to know are these few things that never change:

  • Keep your eye on the puck.
  • Ignore all the stupid fighting.  It’s retarded, but it gives you a chance to refresh your beverage.
  • There are three “periods” of play with an intermission between each (akin to football halftime.)  These give you time to post about the hockey game on Facebook.
  • A “power play” is when the opposing team has a guy in the penalty box.  In theory this is supposed to give your team more opportunity to score, because you have more guys on the ice than they do for a brief time.  This is also why you want to try to avoid getting penalties on your own side.
  • Your team is doing well when they spend most of their time on the end of the rink by the other side’s goalie.  If the other team is always down by your goalie, it means your team isn’t doing their job.

The Setting:

The 2011 Winter Classic is being played on a frozen-over section of Heinz (yes, like the ketchup) Field where the Pittsburgh Steeltards usually play football.  I hope the NBC people have a blimp floating around so my friends can see glimpses of scenic (ahem) Pittsburgh.

To kick the hype machine into gear, on the day before the Winter Classic there is going to be an “Alumni Game” where a bunch of famous old Penguins players from years past will play a bunch of famous old Washington Capitals players.  Everyone is very excited about this, but since I only got into hockey in 2007 because of Sidney Crosby, I ain’t interested.

Cast of Characters:

The Hero.

If you don’t know and love him you should.  Sidney Patrick Crosby. #87.  The Face of the NHL.  The Saviour of Canada who single-handedly won the 2010 Olympics.  The Chosen One of Wayne Gretzky.  Currently the NHL’s leading scorer.  Child prodigy.  Born in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia on 8-7-87.  As much as he deserves your undying worship, the fact is that most hockey fans (not in Pittsburgh) HATE our Sid.  Because most hockey fans are assholes.  And most humans are bitter, petty little things who can’t stand to see a truly good guy excel. 87-4-EVR FUCK THA H8RS!!

I recommend this fansite:  http://sidcrosby.blogspot.com/

The Goalie.

Marc-Andre Fleury. #29. MAF.  The Flower.  With his floppy hair, big eyes, and mega-smile, MAF is like a picture out of Manga art or Tiger Beat come to life!  But don’t let the pretty fool you.  Our delicate Flower is an awesome goalie.  Yes, his play can be erratic and he’s known to have his off streaks….but when he’s on, he is a wonder.  Marc-Andre hails from Sorel, Quebec.  In my imagination/the Fan Fiction novel in my mind, Marc-Andre enjoys gourmet cooking and hosting dinner parties.  Also, it’s my unshakable belief that Sid and MAF are engaged in a torrid love affair that is an “open secret” within the NHL.  Please…just…just humour me, ok?

Also Starring:

Kris Letang. (Pronounced like the breakfast drink.)  #58.  AKA “Tanger” AKA “Krissy-Poo”  Another French-Canadian from near Montreal, Kris is 23 years old and plays Defense.  But he can also score goals.  In fact, Krissy is having a really great season this year and is currently ranked as one of the NHL’s top 3 best defensemen.  I’ve been paying more attention to Kris this year while my Jordan Staal is out sick.  Krissy is also known as “the SEX HAIR“, for obvious reasons.

Jordan Staal. #11.  BabyJ.  JStaal.  My fallen Viking warrior, Jordan has missed the entire season so far due to a broken foot that wouldn’t heal, followed by a broken hand that happened when a puck hit him during a practice!  His absence is why I really haven’t been able to care much about hockey this year.  Jordan is good at everything’ defense, offense, you name it.  Even though JStaal is a Blond Aryan God, my feelings for him are fiercely maternal.  If I knew which Penguin broke Jordan’s hand, I would hunt him down like a dog.

Fortunately, hockey seasons drag on into infinity so he should be back and still get to play half of the season.  Then the sacking and pillaging can commence in earnest.

Other Notables:

Our Coach, Dan Bylsma. AKA “Disco Dan.”  Known for eating burritos and guiding us to the 2009 Stanley Cup.

#71, Evgeni Malkin. AKA “Geno.”  Also a big scorer, but I think he is severely overrated.  Absolutely worshipped by the Pittsburgh fanbase, because Pittsburghers are dumb.

#44, Brooks Orpik.  Our other best defenseman, when Brooksie puts the hurt on you, yea shall ye know fear.  Brooks is a badass cult figure in Pittsburgh…he’s like the Samuel-L-Jackson-in-Pulp-Fiction character of hockey.

#25, Maxime Talbot.  Another French-Canadian.  Max is a big camera-hogging, attention-whore goofball.  Attained cult status for scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goals and for famously telling Philthadelphia Flyers fans to STFU.

And that is everyone I think you need to know about.

Next time:  The Enemy!

One Response to “A Penguins Primer for Girls”

  1. Mrs. Hdawg Says:

    What a testament to mouth guards and helmets! Those guys are positively pretty, unlike the hockey players of yore.

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