Merry CrackMas to All!

As I was awakened this morning by the piercing screams that can only mean that Crack Monkey is getting ready to leave for school, I had a horrible thought:

I know how gawdawful it is to live next door to Crack Monkey, but what if you were his RELATIVE? The mind recoils in utter terror! Yes, I have to hear his screeching every day, but his relatives have to hear it at close range, and indoors! And they would have to pretend that they LIKE the little cretin, and buy him GIFTS! The horror…the horror…

It must be the time of year that made me think along those lines; remembering all those enforced visits to relatives that you neither knew nor liked. I’ll bet even the other little kids in Crack Monkey’s family detest him. “Awwww Mom, do we HAVE to go to Uncle Chain Smoker’s house?? They’ll make us play with Crack Monkey!! Please don’t make us go!” As for the adults, after 7 or 8 years of holiday visits from Crack Monkey, they probably all have nice little alcohol dependency problems. All I know is, he would drive me from a family faster than you can say “Federal Witness Protection Program.”

So this holiday season, when you are at some loud, annoying gathering of your loud, annoying relatives, think of how much worse you could have it. And maybe light a little votive candle for the extended family of Crack Monkey, because they’ll need all the help they can get.

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