…by breeders. Literally!

You all know that in the house to the left of mine dwells the Crack Monkey, one special child who is the equivalent of about 5 or 6 regular annoying children. Well, now I have reason to believe that my neighbors on the right-hand side, Frat Boy and Trixie, are also gonna produce a little noise-maker.

I predicted this some time ago. They allow their relatives’ children to come to their home and run amok, so obviously they had latent breeder tendencies. And he’s such an insurance-selling, overgrown Frat Boy, and she’s such a Martha Stewart Living trixie, that it was inevitable. In short, they are simply too BANAL not to breed. (I shall return to this thought later on.)

Anyway, I’ve caught a few glimpses of Trixie lately, and damn if she doesn’t look knocked-up. I haven’t gotten a good enough look to be 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure she is. Nobody would wear the styles of shirts she’s been sporting lately if they weren’t a Moo-to-Be.


The only positive spin I can put on this is that I have a grace period of several more months of gestation, plus about a whole year after the spawning until the thing becomes genuinely obnoxious. Maybe we’ll have packed off to Canada or some place by then.

Which brings me to the rant portion of the essay, where I’ll return to the theme of BANALITY. Webster’s defines ‘banal’ as: commonplace or trite. There should be a picture of a pregnant woman next to the word ‘banal’ in the dictionary! Can’t ANYBODY not breed?!? Honest to gawd, having offspring is the SINGLE most predictable, tired, BORING, UNIMAGINITIVE thing that someone can do. Couldn’t you (and by ‘you’ I mean all breeders out there) think of ANYTHING better to do?? Nothing?!? In the whole realm of things to do in the world, the countless experiences one could possibly have, the endeavors you could pursue, the interests you could cultivate, that’s ALL you could come up with?!!? How fucking pathetic are you?! You’re doing something that any one-celled amoeba does thousands of times per day! Absolutely friggin pathetic. I’d pity you all if you didn’t make me so mad. Just because you have to be a sheep, the planet has to be burdened with one MORE piece of human waste by-product!

Thanks a hell of a lot. Think how much better off we’d be if you could have just learned to knit.

4 Responses to “Surrounded”

  1. whistler Says:

    I tried knitting, but they took the knitting needles away. Something about not being allowed sharp objects.

  2. whistler Says:

    I don’t agree with everyone having kids, but I have to say how my life has changed since Mo has come around. She’s done wonders for me.

  3. Cristabel Says:

    My mother tried to teach me how to knit. She told me that unless I learned, I would never get a husband. Wrong thing to say to a Baby Feminist (I refused to wear blue because it was the colour of the Oppressors). I threw the needles down. Didn’t get married until I was 35. Won’t breed, either. Where *did* my mother go wrong?!?!?

  4. chel Says:

    We adopted. We never considered making a baby. Not only because there are so MANY out there already (especially those that need families) but also because any given child on the earth would be superior to what we would have created. And I gotta admit, she’s a cool kid. We immediately taught her NOT to scream, not to turn around and stare at other people in a restaurant, and all that stuff that bothered us before we had our own kid.

    But I totally understand your point, and I secretly get mad at all my friends who choose to have babies of their own instead of adopting. It just doesn’t seem *natural* to me, which is a little crazy I guess. But my whole thing is that I didn’t make my cats and I can’t imagine loving them more, so why make a child?

    Sorry for commenting on all these old entries tonight. I just found your insanely amazing James Hetfield page and had to read the rest of your site. Beside the fact I have a child, we have so much else in common. I track Het’s hair, too. (And his marriage, but don’t tell anyone else that.)

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