Time to Clean House

Spring!  Out with the old!  In with the new!  Shake out the dustbunnies, air out the closets, exchange the heavy, worn boots for cute, colorful heels.  As in life, so in celebrity crushes.

I looked back and saw that I did not do a Celebrity Crush Standings chart at all back in 2009.  Probably because everything that year remained status quo:  Russell, Sidney, and SeanBaby held down the fort.  Maybe because things remained unchanged for so long is why this year we are seeing major shake-ups in the Leaderboard.  Frankly, I am just plain tired of looking at the same people….time for a lick of fresh paint and some new curtains.  Shallow, yes.  But undeniable.  Herewith I bring you Celebrity Crush Standings 2010!

Thank Zeus for the winter Olympics!  They allowed Our Sid to shine on a world stage and take his rightful place as the Saviour Of Canada, and they introduced us to the magical being that is Shaun White.

Shaun was just the breath of spring air this place needed!  So new!  So amazing!  So colorful!  And he can fly!  And my gawd, that hair! And such good timing. Just when I was feeling very bored/disillusioned with hockey, along comes this little rock star who kicks ass at individual athleticism.  No loser teammates, no ‘tard fanbases, no bullshit.  Just him competing against the limitations of his own awesomeness.  Hardcore.

Though when Sidney made that gold medal goal for Canada he bought a chunk of my soul for life, I don’t clearly know who owns the top spot.   I worship Sidney, but I (please Loup, don’t shiv me!) have to give the edge on sexiness to the Flying Fox.  Let’s be frank.  Compared to Sid, Shaun

  1. Owns his own home/isn’t some old rich guy’s ward.
  2. Dresses like a rock star.  Hockey players simply cannot dress!
  3. Comports himself as though he has actually had sex.  And with women!

I’m NOT dissing Sidney here, it’s just….well, we all know how he is.  He can be so…12…much of the time.

Rounding out the rest of the Leaderboard are a pack of sensitive, smart brunettes.  I haven’t mentioned Joseph Gordon-Levitt much, but I rewatched Brick recently and was reminded how awesome he is.  Talent, whip-smart, using the System to promote his own indie art stuff…what’s not to adore?  Cannot wait to see him in Inception this summer.  I’ve always had a liking for James McAvoy, but catching up on some of his British tv work nudged him to the top of the heap.   And Darren Burrows?  Goes to show that no one ever truly  leaves the psychic attic where I  store my Crushes.  He would’ve reappeared just from my revisiting Northern Exposure, but then I discovered him on Facebook and the guy is so nice, and genuine, and cool…it’s like 1993 all over again!

Meanwhile, old stalwarts Jude Law and Ewan McGregor, both of whom had suffered declines in the past due to really bad movie choices (E.M.) and general skankiness (J.L.), are back with a vengeance!  Jude in Sherlock Holmes proved why chicks (and audiences) keep coming back to his skeezy cheating ass:  he’s just an irresistible force of nature.  Ewan has made a series of interesting/artsy film choices lately and is working to scrub the stain of The Island off himself;  I’m rootin for ya honey!

See, I am not disloyal.  A crush just has to earn his place.

Oh, these two.  These two men are the mother-effin’ bedrock foundation of Celebrity Crushes and will never, ever leave this list.  That said, I think I’ve sort of OD’ed on them for the past several years.  SeanBaby hasn’t done anything cool for a long while, and I’m bracing for epic disappointment in Robin Hood.  (Tho there’s a chance we’ll see a Russell Revival in May if Robin doesn’t suck.)  For now though, I’m lovingly wrapping them up in tissue paper like favorite old sweaters and I look forward to seeing them later when I’m done thinking, “OMG Shaun White’s HAIR!  *squeeeeee* OMG teh pretty!!”

OK, MAF, look mon cher…I love you dearly and I think you’re Sidney’s soulmate but I no longer have a crush on you at all.   The femmeness is too much.  And your performance this year has left much to be desired.  I want you to be Sid’s boyfriend, not mine, ok?  We’ll all be much happier that way.

I cannot believe I’m saying this after nearly 20 years but that is a measure of how bad Book of Eli was:  it is making me consider reevaluating my undying love for Mr. Gary Oldman.   I know!  It’s crazy.  Even when Gary wasn’t really on the radar over the years, if you asked me to, I’d happily stop a bullet for the man.  But…but…jeez…how much can you reasonably expect a person to put up with?!

2 Responses to “Time to Clean House”

  1. whistler Says:

    Wow… who could think an utter waste of time and energy could be so detailed. Impressive.

  2. tarsier Says:

    Priorities, my friend. Priorities.

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