Don’t. Wanna. Hear. It.

They say you should never talk about religion or politics in mixed company. I’d like to add a third topic: Food. Seems like no one can talk about food without being insufferably rude. Here’s some guidepoints for the ettique-challenged.

1. If you are on a diet, never speak about it in public. NEVER. This goes double if you are Atkins-ing. Nobody wants to covert to your religion. If you feel the need to tell anyone what you ate that day, or how many ounces you’ve lost, or how many miles you ran, stop. We do not care. Not only do we not care, we are not impressed. Honest, I promise you, nobody in the world but you gives a shit.

2. If you weigh under 200 lbs. for men or under 150lbs. for women, and are on a diet anyway, see number 1 above. Furthermore, do not refer to yourself as fat. You are not fat. How do you think it makes genuinely fat people feel when average-sized or downright skinny people call themselves fat?? Fat people have enough hatred and bullshit to put up with in our sick society without having to hear your nonsense too. In short, don’t inflict your mental health problems on others. It’s rude.

3. If you have a dislike of a certain food, just keep it to yourself, unless someone asks you first. I have known people who will walk up to me, look over my shoulder while I’m eating, and go “Ewwwwwwww!” and proceed to tell me how gross my food choices are. Why thank you. I happen to think your clothes are lame, your husband is ugly and your house is tacky as shit, but do you hear me saying anything?? No. It’s called politeness. I don’t go around offering my opinion on the crap that you eat (and believe me, I could say a lot), and I expect the same respect from you. If you must mention your food hatreds, just do it quickly and let it drop. Don’t act like a baby about it.

It all boils down to this Golden Rule:
Keep Your Issues to Yourself.

That wasn’t in the bible, but it shoulda been.

This rant has been brought to you by: spending two days around my low-carbing boss, my Atkins Cult-Member sister-in-law, the buttwipe on my favorite newsgroup who decided to just up and post details everything he ate yesterday for no reason, my mother-in-law, and my friend Whistler, who has a thing about sweet potatoes and potato chips. Thank you all.

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