The Crack Chronicles: Our Story Begins

Once upon a time, there was a Very Special Little Boy whose real name we won’t mention so as to avoid being dragged into court. This little boy had a happy life. He lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a nice chain-smoking Daddy, a nice clueless Mommy, a doggie and a kitty. Life was fun for the little boy; he liked to do lots of things. But most of all he liked to scream. He liked screaming so much, in fact, that he tried to do it just as much as he could! He screamed on his way to school, he screamed coming home. He screamed in the front yard and in the back. On his swingset he screamed, and on the porch. He’d scream when he had company, and he’d scream all by himself. O what fun it it is to scream!

And since he was such a Very Special Little Boy, of course, all that screaming couldn’t possibly bother anyone. After all, he was Only a Child…

Until one day, the Mean Lady moved in next door.

The Mean Lady did not think the little boy’s screaming was special or cute. In fact she thought it was loud! She sat in her house and she heard the screaming, she closed the windows but she heard it still. The Mean Lady brooded and she thought and she thought and she said to herself, “AAUUGH! What the hell is wrong with that goddamn kid? Is he retarded or something? What a fucking Crack Monkey! SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR GOD’S SAKE!!”

And so it went on for quite some time. The little Crack Monkey screamed, and the Mean Lady tried to think of ways to make him stop. She tried playing the Death Metal from out of her window; she tried complaining to chain-smoking Daddy. But nothing would work. She thought of lots of other ways to make Crack Monkey stop, but realized they would all land her in Federal Prison.

Finally one day the Mean Lady said, “Enough! Fine, Crack Monkey, have it your way! Scream if you want to. But since I can’t make you stop, the least I can do with the tattered remains of my sanity is to write about your hateful annoying antics on the internet! Soon the whole world will know what an evil, worthless, wretched little Crack Monkey you are! So there!”

And that, my friends, is the story of how this section of the blog came to be. Someday soon the Mean Lady will tell you more stories about the Crack Monkey. But only if you are good boys and girls, and only if you promise to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

2 Responses to “The Crack Chronicles: Our Story Begins”

  1. monkeygirl Says:

    Things could be worse for the kid. He could have the mean pregnant lady living next door – who has absolutely no tolerance right now for such madness. I don’t think I’d have a problem at this point telling the kid to shut the fuck up.

    BTW, I don’t particularly like the word monkey being used in vain!!!

  2. whistler Says:

    I sleep next to a mean pregnant lady. Does that count?!?

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