Someone has equipped Crack Monkey with firecrackers. The little ones that just go ‘SNAP!’, don’t make any pretty lights, and serve no purpose other than to make an annoying noise. How utterly appropriate.

Does someone want to tell me why Crack Monkey is not only home screaming in his backyard at 1pm on a weekday, but has a little screaming companion with him? He goes to Catholic school. Is today a freaking Holy Day, or something? I went to Catholic school too, and WE had to go to […]

Dear Crack Monkey, I sit this hot afternoon, seeking shelter from the blazing sun during the second or third straight week without so much as a cloud in the sky, let alone a single drop of rain. And I listen to you begin your second hour of spraying your backyard hose at your sidewalk, your […]

There’s something odd about the Crack Family that is such a subtle, insidious little thing that I’ve only recently begun to notice it, but now that I have, it really bothers me. They never GO anywhere. I mean for a vacation. Never. No long week-or-two vacations, but ok, not everyone can afford those. But they […]

Yes I am! I almost forgot to tell you guys about this charming anectdote. This past Sunday, there was a birthday party for Crack Monkey over at the Crack House. Carloads of relatives and friends (Dubious. I still can’t believe he has any friends.) showed up, extorted gifts in hand. Thankfully, they were mostly adults, […]

Yesterday I was treated to something I haven’t “enjoyed” in some time: an hour-or-so of screaming Crack Monkey! Yeah, 10 degrees outside, and he’s out “playing”, if you can call it that. Would that he could have frozen all his limbs off. Anyway, here’s Crack Monkey’s Winter Fun routine: Tramp about the yard purposelessly. Scream. […]

Some of my more optimistic readers have suggested to me that perhaps Crack Monkey has changed and learned to be a good sprog since I haven’t heard much of his screeching all summer. I just want to lay those thoughts to rest.

It’s been quiet lately. Too quiet. I’m thoroughly confused. We’re a month into summer vacation, yet I’ve heard nary a peep from Crack Monkey. I catch the occasional glimpse of him through the fence, so I know that he’s home and hasn’t been shipped away to a special Summer Camp for Cognitively Incompetent Children. Maybe […]

My neighbor decided to mow his lawn for the first time this season. He’s outside mowing as I type. Now, in the Crack household, mowing the lawn is a complicated ritual with multiple facets. First he gets out the mower and tries a few times before it will start. Meanwhile his dog doesn’t like the […]

Crack Monkey is home today! It’s a Thursday! What happened to school? I think he goes to a Catholic school, but so did I, and I don’t recall ever getting the Thursday before Easter off. That means he’ll probably be at home through Monday. Aaaauuugh! Why can’t they have family in another country? It’s a […]

A Crack Monkey, that is. The past few days it’s been warm and sunny. As always happens in nature, warm weather brings the vermin out from their lairs. And so, Crack Monkey reappeared in his back yard after a truly pleasant few months of not seeing him at all. How did he spend his first […]

As I was awakened this morning by the piercing screams that can only mean that Crack Monkey is getting ready to leave for school, I had a horrible thought: I know how gawdawful it is to live next door to Crack Monkey, but what if you were his RELATIVE? The mind recoils in utter terror! […]

Once upon a time, there was a Very Special Little Boy whose real name we won’t mention so as to avoid being dragged into court. This little boy had a happy life. He lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a nice chain-smoking Daddy, a nice clueless Mommy, a doggie and […]