Archive for the 'Rants' Category

Time to Bring Back Hanging

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

Can you believe this?! Thieves lift Gregory Peck’s star from Walk of Fame “Actor Gregory Peck’s star on Hollywood’s iconic Walk of Fame has been stolen, brazenly carved out of the sidewalk where it has lain for more than four decades. Officials announced the theft Tuesday, saying it had disappeared sometime between Nov. 17 and […]

Inter-Solar System Memo

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

To: SUN/Sol, Milky Way Galaxy. From: Pittsburgh, North American continent, EARTH, 3rd planet. Re: Autumnal Equinox. Sir, Will you fuck OFF, already?! Check your internal calibration and call tech support if you need to because it is AUTUMN EQUINOX! Go the hell AWAY, we are SICK of you here! Don’t you have some sub-equatorial countries […]

Human Anatomy 101

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

This post is dedicated to Mae West, whose birthday is today. Everyone knows I’m a pretty big fan of Gap clothes, the jeans in particular. But right now I have a serious nit to pick with my favorite store. Gap has just introduced women’s jeans with different “fits.” They go like this: Curvy fit — […]

Get Outta Heeerrre!

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

There’s a potentially-nice looking building of condos going up in one of the neighborhoods that BW and I would ideally like to live in if we ever get to move out of Suburban Crack Monkey Land. They’re supposed to be open next fall. Last time we drove by, I remembered to take down the call-for-more-info […]

You Bastards!

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

I just went downstairs to turn on the telly to get some London news. The Today Show was reporting on it, and I sat down to watch…. but then they cut away to give a report on how this will affect things at Grand Central Station!! Who gives at fuck about Grand Central Station?!! Jeezus, […]

Oh bloody hell!

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Stupid English people. Spielberg voted ‘best director’ Just proves AGAIN that you never, Never, EVER let “the public” have any say when it comes to movies. You don’t show them ‘test screenings’, because their ignorant opinions always ruin the movie. And you NEVER let them vote in polls like that one. “The Public” wouldn’t […]

It’s Almost Memorial Day…

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

…and my bloody FURNACE just kicked on!! WTF?

Anarchy in the UK

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

I’ll admit it, I like Prince Charles. I think he’s a very smart guy who is always getting screwed by the vicious and airheaded public. In the Charles vs. Princess Died media wars, I was always firmly in Charles’ camp. I was so excited about his and Camilla’s upcoming wedding. But now….ugh…now I think he […]

Useless Crap, Aisle 7

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

Want proof that the demise of Western Civilization is not only at hand, but well underway? Flip channels during daytime TV! Yesterday at around 11:35 am I saw an ad for a product so stupefyingly…well, STUPID…it made me question the meaning of life! It was this: a toothbrush sanitizer!! WTF?? Surely, the end is nigh. […]

Hit Me With Those Negative Waves!

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

I don’t know why it is that January always seems like the most miserable month of the year. Perhaps it’s because everyone touts the month as a time for new beginnings, but, inevitably, everything stays the same. Regardless, for me it is the time of year to sit back and take stock of how much […]

Hollywood is Stupid

Friday, December 24th, 2004

Here for no apparent reason, I give you a movie rant. Not long ago, Boy Wonder and I watched The Terminal, a flick I’d kinda-sorta wanted to see for a while, and then I learned that cutie Diego was in it, so I wanted to see it more. It was a decent movie, somewhat funny, […]

Baked Goods Bitchin’

Saturday, December 18th, 2004

Just who do I have to kill to get a properly-made scone in this fucking gawdsforsaken country?!? That is all.

Friday Morning Bitchfest

Friday, October 29th, 2004

Cripes, what a way to kick off my birthday/Halloween weekend! Where to begin? Item #1: The election. Oh I just can’t stand it anymore. I am literally losing sleep over this, I am so stressed. I’ve had nightmares where I’ve dreamt that election day came and went but I forgot to vote! All I want […]

The Movie Studio Who Stole Thanksgiving

Friday, September 17th, 2004

Oh my gawd, does this ever suck!!! Return of the King: Extended Edition delayed Auuuuugh!!! This is bad. Very bad. You see, I have a tradition in my small family. Every Thanksgiving, Whistler and his family come to our house for Tgiving dinner. And every year after dinner is cleaned up and my parents have […]

You say, “Water Ice”, I say, “Shaddup!”

Saturday, August 28th, 2004

If there are any foreigners out there reading this, allow me to set the stage a bit. I live in Pennsylvania, and Pennsylvania is a very large state. It’s very wide, such that it takes about 7 hours to drive from one end to the other. There are plenty of European countries that are smaller! […]

People Are Freaks

Monday, August 9th, 2004

And people who like children are the freakiest freaks of all, and I’ve got the evidence to prove it!


Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

…by breeders. Literally! You all know that in the house to the left of mine dwells the Crack Monkey, one special child who is the equivalent of about 5 or 6 regular annoying children. Well, now I have reason to believe that my neighbors on the right-hand side, Frat Boy and Trixie, are also gonna […]

Don’t. Wanna. Hear. It.

Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

They say you should never talk about religion or politics in mixed company. I’d like to add a third topic: Food. Seems like no one can talk about food without being insufferably rude. Here’s some guidepoints for the ettique-challenged.

Who Wants Yellow Fever?

Friday, May 21st, 2004

I do, I do! NOT! Welcome to another summer season in beautiful malarial Pittsburgh. It has rained every day for the past 6 days, we’re at about 85 degrees, and I’d guess 250% humidity. The ground is so full of water it resembles a swamp, and the air is full of nasty stinging insects that […]

I Am Not Info-Tained

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

Now I remember why I never watch TV except for old movies and the Donal show. Last night, Boy Wonder and I sat down to watch a special about Troy (the quasi-historical place, not the movie) on the Discovery Channel. Granted, my main reason for watching was because they promised sneak peeks of Troy, the […]